I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

• Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says,
• "Take the wheel! I'll man the guns"

Two whales walk into a bar. The first whale says to the other, "WOOOOO. WEEEEEEEOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOO." The second whale says, "Shut up Steve, you are drunk."

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

• Jazz - Five people on the same stage, all playing different tunes.
• Opera - People singing when they should be talking.
• Rap - People talking when they should be singing.

An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog.

3 musicians and a drummer walk into an elevator.

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field.

A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave because they realize the potential danger of the situation.

An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The squirrel turns to the owl and says nothing because squirrels can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.

• Where does Noah keep his bees?
• In the Ark hives.

Train Tunnel

An old nun, a cute Swedish girl, an American guy and a Frenchman are in a train car. The train goes to a tunnel, the car goes dark all four hear a slap. When the train emerges, no one says a word, but Frenchman has a red handprint on his face.

• The nun thinks that the Frenchman groped the Swedish girl, so she slapped him.
• The Swedish girl thinks that the Frenchman tried groping her, but groped the nun instead, so the nun slapped him.
• The Frenchman thinks the American groped the French girl and she mistakenly slapped him instead.
• The American is hoping there will be more tunnels so he can slap the Frenchman again.

The Voice

A guy is at work when he hears a voice in his head.

Quit your job, sell your house, take the money and go to Las Vegas.

He ignores the voice, but it keeps coming back day after day.

Quit your job, sell your house, take the money and go to Las Vegas.

Months go by, and the voice won't stop.

Quit your job, sell your house, take the money and go to Las Vegas.

Finally, the guy can't take it anymore. He quits his job. He sells his house. He takes all the money and buys a plane ticket to Las Vegas. The second the plane touches down, he hears the voice in his head:

Go to Casino Deluxe.

He goes to Casino Deluxe.

Find roulette table number 22.

He finds the roulette table number 22.

Put everything on 17 Black.

He puts everything on the 17 Black. The dealer spins the wheel and it comes up Red 36. Then he hears the voice one last time.

Fuck.

Giraffe

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and
close the door.

The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.

There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

You just jump into the river and swim across. All the crocodiles
are attending the Lion King's conference.